john and jane

It is very important to note that I am not trying to pick on any gender here and I my only real point is to facilitate understanding of how the sexes think and how they can better interact. Feel free to post your disagreements, but please be specific about what you are disagreeing with and why.

Imagine the following fictional scenario involving a husband and wife, John and Jane (John and Jane do not represent Dust and Golden). Jane has been dealing with an issue with someone at work, and she wants to talk through the issue. They have the following conversation.

Jane: "Yesterday when Joan walked into the office and I said, 'Hi,' she didn't even acknowledge me. But then in the afternoon she acted like she wanted to be my friend."
John: "This sounds like the same sort of thing that you have been talking to me about for the last couple of weeks."
Jane: "Exactly. I think she's trying to drive me nuts by making me think she hates me then likes me. Maybe she is only nice to me when she needs something from me. I'm not sure."
John: "Why don't you sit down and have a straightforward conversation with her about this. I'm sure she will be happy to discuss this rationally."
Jane: "Stop trying to solve my problems. It makes me feel like you think I'm stupid."
John: "Okay."
Jane: "So, then after I helped her complete her TPS report cover letters she went back to acting like she was better than me."
John: "What did she say?"
Jane: "Nothing. She didn't need to say anything. She just acted better than me. Are you even listening to me?"
John: "Uh, yeah. I think."
Jane: "So, I am so not looking forward to having to deal with her tomorrow because it's just the same thing day after day. I don't know why, either. I mean what did I do to set her off?"
John: "As I said, why don't you ask her?"
Jane: "I can't believe you're still trying to fix my problems."

As I said before, this is a completely fictional situation. I purposely wrote this scenario in a way that does not mimic the content of any discussion I have ever witnessed. Also, Golden is about the most understanding woman in existence regarding my desire to fix her problems when she wants to discuss stuff, so this has very little to do with our interactions.

The reason that I want to introduce this scenario is that this is the one type of situation that just about every relationship book, seminar, class, etc addresses. The observation that is almost always relayed can be easily summarized with the statement that women want to discuss things and men want to solve them, so men need to resist the urge to solve women's problems. I don't disagree with this, but I do think that this statement does not tell the whole story. The following are what I think John and Jane don't understand about each other in the above conversation.

What John doesn't understand
Obviously, I am at a disadvantage as to what John doesn't understand about Jane because I only have second-hand information on what women get out of conversations and what their needs are. Nonetheless, John's problem is that he doesn't understand that the point of the conversation has very little to do with solving the issue. It has everything to do with the fact that Jane gets something (that I don't fully understand) out of talking about the issue.

John, being straightforward, thinks he is getting mixed signals from Jane. As a result he keeps acting like Jane wants his advice because he wrongly assumes that Jane's conversation is a cry for help. This is no excuse. He should probably seek to understand why he is getting mixed signals.

John also probably doesn't understand how important it is to Jane to be able to connect with him by continually discussing this issue.

Finally, John is naive in thinking that the idea of Jane confronting Joan is a guaranteed fix. Joan will probably act like nothing is wrong. Stupid John.

What Jane doesn't understand
Usually relationship materials point out that men tend to fix things and they just need to resist that urge. Jane already knows this, so she has learned little about John's motivations. In this case, John's motivations will have to be understood through my experience.

When I talk about an issue for days on end that means that I have not found a solution that I am confident about. If I am talking about it a lot, this means that I am more than willing to hear someone else's brainstorms about how to fix my problem.

When I hear the same issue discussed again and again it can be bothersome. When I hear someone talk about an issue what I am hearing is, "I have a problem and I am asking you to help fix it." When I resist the urge to fix it or if the problem is continually discussed after a fix is determined I hear, "what kind of a man are you that you can't provide a solution that I am confident in?" Even though I know better I can't keep from thinking this.

What Jane needs to understand is that by discussing the issue day after day after day, she is either going to drive John up a wall or invite him to solve her problem. If she always gets upset about him solving her problem she is going to make John very strongly desire to tune out her future conversations.

Here is the important part. I think that Jane should still feel free to discuss these issues at length with John and I think John should attentively listen. Jane should understand, though, that John does not think the same way she does. John has no idea what to do with frequent monologues about the issues Jane faces. Therefore, when Jane tells John about her problems she should be a little understanding when he tries to solve her problems, but let him know that she is not looking for solutions.

I think both John and Jane have a lot to learn. Not that I am trying to fix their problems.