a parable about spring

After the creation and the fall of man God decided to illustrate the significance of His creation to the archangel Gabriel.

"Gabriel," God opened, "consider the seasons that I have bestowed on the earth I have given mankind.  The variation points to My unsurpassed creativity and care for the aesthetic.  The cycles of life points to my ultimate plan for mankind."

"I see your wisdom and forethought in it," acknowledged Gabriel.

"Think about spring in particular," continued the Lord.  "The skies are populated by birds.  The streams and rivers swell and are filled by fish and other aquatic life.  Grass, flowers, and tress bud and spring to life.  What appeared to be dead only weeks prior is vibrant with life.  Animals of from the least to the greatest all multiply in spring."

"Spring does remind one of new life," agreed Gabriel.

"And the colors!  Where winter offered overcast grays, spring brings the bold yellows, purples, and blues of newly blooming flowers.  It brings verdant greens to the grasses and the trees.  Even the thunderstorms offer deep royal blues to the landscape."

"Spring is indeed a beautiful season," Gabriel opined.

"Think also of the food," reminded God.  "Where winter offered little hope for sustenance, spring is a hint at what is to come.  Crops are planted.  Fruit trees bud.  Animals are fattened.  Mankind is reminded of My provision and omnipotence."

"Humanity would be hopeless without your provision," Gabriel observed.  "This does make me wonder about something, though."

"Ask your question," God allowed.

"Well," Gabriel started, "if you have provided mankind with images of life, beauty, and provision all within the span of one season, isn't it possible that mankind will prefer earth to heaven?  Aren't you concerned that they will not feel a need for heaven if earth is too perfect, even if only for one season?"

God looked at Gabriel with an omniscient smile and responded, "Let me tell you about another of my creations: ragweed."

six-word stories

Ernest Hemmingway once wrote the following six-word story on a challenge.

"For sale: baby shoes, never used."

The six word story sounds like a conquerable challenge to be sure, but this example illustrates what is involved for a good submission.  How do you place so much back story into so few words?  The sentence has to be structured in a way that pushes the reader to fill in the blanks, and in this case most of the blanks are filled in and they are all sad.  In Hemmingway's story, the classified ad device perfectly trims what would otherwise be sentences to six words.  Honestly, seven words would be orders of magnitude easier.

A few I thought of, but don't quite provide the back story depth that Hemmingway was able to generate are below.  Like Hemmingway's example, they are mostly a bit dark.  That's more indicative to what makes an interesting story than how dark my thinking is, though.

"Meet John, my twin half-brother."
"We danced under mushroom cloud lighting."
"Mute button broke. Now seeking employment."
"Neighbor found dead after eight weeks."
"She got Draco in the divorce."
"Vegetarian salad, please. Also, steak. Rare."
"Eviction: three days. Death in four."
"My love concurred all. Couldn't disagree."
"Not interested in interest. Soon bankrupt."
"She was a rock. He paper."
"Pyrrhic victory. Opponent's suffering exceeds mine."
"He on one knee. She gone."
"Doppelganger not the evil twin. Surprise!"
"One sacrifice required: everything. Now complete."

There are some decent submissions here, and most are far beyond what I have written. Do you have any ideas for a six-word story?

the turkey butcher

In honor of the Thanksgiving holiday I present a poem my sister and I wrote for a creative writing assignment when she was in junior high and I was in in high school. It is a parody of the poem "The Village Blacksmith" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. I'd encourage you to read the original before reading the parody because it makes more sense that way.

The Turkey Butcher

Under a spreading chestnut tree
The turkey butcher stands;
The butcher, a bloody man is he,
With red and calloused hands;
And the muscles of his scrawny arms
Are strong as rubber bands.

His nails are crisp, and black, and long,
His eyes are like the tan;
His hands are wet at the turkey’s debt,
He years to clean his hands;
The whole world looks him in the face,
He is a mental case, you understand.

Week in, week out, from morn till night,
You can hear his mallet blow,
You can hear him swing his heavy hand,
As he screams, “Yowwwwwwwww!:
Like an Angus ringing his old cow bell,
When the evening sun is low.

And children coming home from school
Looking at the open door;
They love to see the fatal hand,
And hear the turkeys roar,
And catch the feathers that fly,
Like the snow of the blizzard of 1624.

He goes on Sunday to the church,
And sits among the boys;
He hears the parson pray and preach,
He hears an angel turkey’s voice,
Singing with the village choir,
And it makes his heart rejoice.

It sounds to him like dinner’s voice,
Singing from Paradise!
He needs not think of it once more,
How in the pot it lies;
And with a hard rough hand he wipes
A tear out of his eyes.

Toiling, hungry, sorrowing,
Onward through life he goes;
Each morning he sees the turkeys come in,
By evening on a plate it goes;
Something attempted, something done,
Will this poem never close?

Thanks, thanks to thee my sort of worthy friend,
For listening when thou needed not!
Thus at the flaming oven of life
Our turkeys must be brought;
Thus on the butcher table shaped
Each cutting deed and thought.

pluto demoted

Pluto Demoted

ORLANDO, FL, September 23, 2010 (OTB) — Executives at Disney today announced that Pluto will no longer be officially considered a Disney character, or at least a major Disney character. The media empire is weighing its options, but it might consider giving Pluto "dwarf character" status much like Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, or Doc, from an earlier Disney work. Whether this specific option is the one that will be taken is not final, however.

Pluto had a long run as a major Disney character. Created in the 1930s near the same time that the former planet with the same name was discovered, Pluto was an instantly popular character. Through the years Pluto appeared in numerous stories as a lovable dog. This fact never properly addressed the differences between Pluto and most of the other major Disney characters. Specifically, the other characters can talk and otherwise behave as a normal human would.

"Think about Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, or Donald Duck," noted cartoon enthusiast Greg Quimby, "Most of what makes them them is in how they talk and walk on two feet. Mostly how they talk, though. While Pluto is a fine character he should never have been considered a major character if he did not have the ability to speak in an iconic voice. Even Goofy, who is also a 'dog' character, can talk with voice characteristics that are instantly identifiable."

While most Disney fans agree, a very vocal minority believe that Pluto has not been given a fair shake. "When I heard the announcement it was like one of my children had died," said former Pluto animator and founder of the organization Respect Pluto Now John Haverly. "We are still weighing our legal and PR options. I can assure you that we are not giving up hope yet."

There was a time when it would have been unthinkable for Pluto to not be considered a major character, but that changed with the advent of Pixar and the slew of new characters brought onto the scene. Specifically, with the release of the Toy Story series it was obvious that some characters should be considered major characters and some should not. Many of the minor characters in the first movie did not survive to the third movie largely due to their lack of an instantly recognizable voice. "When we put the hockey puck and the Lite Brite in the first movie," explained former Pixar head Steve Jobs, "we knew that they probably would not be in subsequent movies because they did not interact with the audience anthropomorphically. This caused them to be received as simply minor characters."

This standard that was set in the Toy Story series has now seeped into the rest of Disney culture. If you cannot speak you cannot be considered a major character. Mickey had better hope he doesn't contract laryngitis or he could be next.

what's that smell

The following is something I wrote for the summer edition of my church's quarterly magazine. My purpose was to write something that would encourage spiritual growth without being too cerebral or boring.

Something that I always look forward to in the summer is taking in the smells of the season. Everything from freshly cut grass to charcoal burning in a grill to chlorine from a pool is a reminder of the carefree freedom that summer represents. I have heard that the area of the brain that is focused on smell is very near the area of the brain that is used to recall memories, so I may just like summer smells because they remind me of summers past. Regardless of the cause, a nice summer smell can brighten an afternoon or evening if I am feeling a bit blasé.

What I find the most noteworthy about smells is how paradoxically subtle and pervasive they are. For example, if someone in our society has not showered for multiple days it is likely that no one will mention this to him or her. This person’s lack of personal hygiene will not be a secret to anyone, though. The perception of everyone who comes into contact with this man or woman will be affected by his or her smell. Even if this hypothetical smelly person has something of real worth to say, many people will ignore it due to the smell.

I think that the fruit of the Spirit is meant to work in much the same way that smells work in everyday life. As God changes me into the type of person that He wants me to be I will start to show love in situations where I may not have before. I will start to have joy in areas of my life where I would otherwise be bitter. I will have peace about things that would otherwise bother me. If God is really working in my life my disposition should be noticeably better because I am no longer projecting so much selfishness, bitterness, annoyance, and other undesirable traits that stink to those who have to be around me. People who spend time around me should notice that my temperament smells nice.

One thing that I can attempt is to try to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit more than comes natural to me. I can be good when I do not feel like being good and self-controlled when I do not feel like being self-controlled. This can have pitfalls as well, though. Giving the appearance of the fruit of the Spirit is not the same as having the fruit of the Spirit. The fruit of the Spirit is supposed to be the evidence of the work that God is doing in me rather than being an end goal. In Jesus’ time the Pharisees mastered the appearance of goodness and self-control without actually having that fruit in their lives. Furthermore, everyone knows at least one person who acts kind but who is obviously disingenuous. If lacking any hint of the fruit of the Spirit is like a person who has not showered for days, a person who falsely portrays the fruit of the Spirit is like someone who is using far too much cologne.

If I should not fake the fruit of the Spirit, the only solution has to be an openness to allow God to change me so that I slowly become the embodiment of the fruit of the Spirit. The writer of Hebrews saw things this way as he wrote in verse 12:10, “God disciplines us for our good that we may share in His holiness.” In order for me to become holy I have to allow God to change me through the things that happen in my life. The fruit of the Spirit will then slowly start to appear as I give over areas of myself to Him.

If really want to grow in the fruit of the Spirit there are a couple of questions that I need to ask myself daily. When I interact with others in my everyday life does my disposition reek of stench or of too much cologne? What are the areas of my life that I still need to release to God so that He can change me? If I can answer these honestly and allow God to do His work I will smell good in no time.

contrived dialogue the third

Here's another installment of contrived dialogue. I don't think this one has as many strange combinations of characters as my previous two have, but the general thought is still the same.

Bernie Madoff and a Friend

Madoff: "Can you believe it? My financial advisor stole all of my money!"
Friend: "Aren't you your own financial advisor?"
Madoff: "Yeah, and that makes it that much more difficult to take."

Toucan Sam and a severe literalist

Toucan Sam: "Follow your nose!"
Literalist: "So long as it is attached to my body, I have to."

Prince Hamlet and King Hamlet

Prince Hamlet: "To be or not to be, that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub—"
King Hamlet: "Why can't you ever just make a simple decision?"

Goerge Carlin and the roadrunner

Carlin: "You can't say *Beep*, *Beep*, *Beep*, *Beep*, *Beep*, *Beep*, or *Beep* on television."
Roadrunner: "Beep-beep!"
Carlin: "Well, you can say that."

Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan

Gorbachev: "I've been toying with the idea of expanding my living room by merging it with the adjoining bedroom. What do you think?"
Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"

Santa Clause interrogated by the police

Officer: "Come on, we know you know who did it."
Clause: "I'll never talk!"
Officer: "We know that you know who's been bad or good so tell us who's been bad for goodness sake."
Clause: "You'd better watch out, I'm telling you why—"
Officer: "That's it! Threatening an officer. A night in the slammer should cool your attitude down a bit."

Columbus and an amazingly prescient crew member

Columbus: "Is that land? We've made it! We've traveled around the world all of the way to India!"
Crew Member: "That's a possibility, but it's more likely that you simply drastically miscalculated the size of the earth, thereby assuming that you have reached the East when you have not even travelled halfway there, and have instead encountered a continent hitherto undiscovered by Europeans, but that you will continue to assume is India until your death because the Caribbean obviously looks a lot like the East Indies to fifteenth century Europeans."
Columbus: "I'll tell you what. I'll call the natives 'Indians,' and we'll know we aren't in India if they correct us."

Patrick Henry and a used car salesman

Henry: "Give me a Liberty or give me death!"
Salesman: "It sounds like you're a man who knows what he likes. Unfortunately, we don't have any Liberties today, but if you're in the mood for a Jeep I've got a Grand Cherokee over here that still has the new car smell."

Robert Frost and his wife

Frost: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."
Wife: "Yeah, it made all of the difference. It's why we've been circling the boondocks for a half hour. Will you finally stop and ask for directions?"

Charles Dickens and King Hamlet

Dickens: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."
King Hamlet: "And I thought my son was indecisive."

• First Contrived Dialogue
• Second Contrived Dialogue
  

unmasking batman

Gotham Citizens Hope to Unmask Batman

GOTHAM CITY, July 22, 2008 (OTB) — Citizens of Gotham City have been worked into a frenzy in the last few days trying to decipher the precise identity of Batman, otherwise known as the Dark Knight. While the populace does not deny the good that Batman has done they also point to the death and destruction that has followed in his wake. "Things were bad before Batman," acknowledged local shop owner Benji Schazman, "but they were never as bad as they are now." Schazman's large delicatessen window has been shattered by the vehicles of villains fleeing Batman on no less than three occasions. "My insurance premiums are through the roof," complained Schazman. "It would be cheaper just to pay off the local crime boss."

*** Warning: Minor Spoilers Begin ***

Just who Batman is has proven to be elusive. The entire city at one point believed Harvey Dent, Gotham's District Attorney, was the Caped Crusader. That proved to be a ruse to distract from Batman's true identity, though. It was a clever one at that. Many, including Schazman, are not convinced Dent is not Batman. "I've never seen the two in the same room," noted Schazman, though he later admitted to never seeing even one of them in any room.

*** Minor Spoilers End ***

A few people have already been eliminated as suspects of being Batman. It is not believed that Police Commissioner Gordon can possibly be Batman since he has a mustache, which is widely accepted to be difficult to fake. Most of the rest of the men in the city have been eliminated because they are not attractive enough. Christy Jordan, public relations representative for the GPD, had this to say. "We may not know who Batman is, but we certainly know who he isn't. I can't even imagine my grody uncle Charley trying to fit into Batman's outfit." This statement drew chills from the audience as they presumably all knew people who matched as Jordan's description of her uncle.

One attractive citizen, local billionaire Bruce Wayne, has also been eliminated by the police as a suspect. Stated Jordan, "Sure, Mr. Wayne is the right build and complexion to be Batman, is athletic enough, has a voice similar to Batman's, has never been seen in the same room as Batman, and is the only person in the city to be able to afford to build the military-grade machinery that Batman uses. If you've met Bruce, though, you'd know that he can't possibly be Batman." This explanation effectively silenced all questions that had arisen about Wayne's possible affiliation with Batman.

The current list of suspects is not without holes. Most people questioned by police have solid alibis concurrent with at least one confirmed Batman sighting. Almost no one whom the police have questioned can afford to by a Prius outright, let alone the car/tank hybrid with detachable motorcycle that the Dark Knight has been seen driving. "We suspect it must be a drifter having what he thinks are cheap thrills or maybe even a disillusioned postal worker," noted Jordan. "Whomever it is must have stolen the vehicle that he or she has been using." Police are poring through old reports to see if there have been any complaints about stolen experimental military vehicles in the last few years. So far, nothing has shown up.

"If there is one thing the emergence of Batman has proven it is this," scolded Jordan. "Lock your doors when leaving your small tank unattended—even if for a minute. You never know what drifter is going to walk by, take advantage of your carelessness, and start a wave of vigilantism against the city's organized criminals. It just isn't worth the risk."

a poem, i wish

Poetry is pain
Poetry is happy
Poetry is plain
Poetry is snappy

I write by the line
But this is no great feat
I use the best rhyme
But I can't keep a beat

Matching sounds is nice
Matching cadence neater
My rhymes are precise
I just can't use meter

I would if I could
Pen a weighty work now
Still might not be good
With no syllabic count

It would not be cheap
And would be from the heart
I might make it deep
And I'd attempt at smart

For style not substance
Would my verse be undone
Many the instance
Would the beat miss by one

Though the form is low
I still inscribe my thought
Trying to find flow
I have constantly fought

When I write flowery
What most everyone knows
I say poetry
I should really say prose

a half baked story

Ann had two loves in life, which were hemp clothing and baked goods. She was granola in every sense of the word. These two loves shaped her actions throughout her early life.

When she was a little girl she spent so many hours with her Easy Bake oven she wore it out from overuse. When she grew older she found that she very much appreciated the earthy qualities of hemp fabric to the less natural materials that composed more fashionable clothes. As a young adult she realized her dream of opening sandwich shop in her local downtown shopping district. She did not make much money, but she was able to pay her bills, she enjoyed her job, and she got to wear her grass clothing every day.

One afternoon, as she was examining a stain on the hemp shirt that she was wearing, Ann noticed a crowd outside her shop. Her blood began to boil when she realized that the crowd was gathered around the local congressman. Under normal circumstances she wouldn't care about random politicians, but this man had recently sponsored a bill that would make her beloved hemp apparel illegal. Someone had to inform him that this move had been a mistake.

She quickly grabbed a few hard biscuits, as they were the most easily accessible objects around, and headed out the door. Angrily, and at the top of her lungs, she shouted her opinions at the congressional representative, but this was to no avail. The crowd surrounding him was too loud and boistrous to pay any heed. So, sensing that she had little alternative, she hurled three biscuits at the politician in quick succession. Much to her surprise, as well as everyone else's, the last missile found its target and disoriented him enough to lose his balance. This caused him minor injuries and her arrest.

When Ann was brought before the judge she was defiant. She felt that she had not done anything that any other rational person in her sandals would not have done. It was only because people judged her as some sort of crazy hippie based on her attire that she was now being charged with assault with a tasty weapon, a serious crime after the raisin riots in the sixties. Unfortunately for Ann, the judge was less than sympathetic. His disparaging response, "You should already know that people in grass blouses shouldn't throw scones."

november news

I haven't done a top ten list in a while, and with Letterman's writers on strike I figure a few people might be going through withdrawal. So, here are the top ten news stories so far this month.

10. Britney Spears succeeds in making Kevin Federline the most fit parent available for their children.

9. Fans of "Survivor", "The Amazing Race", "Dancing with the Stars", et al fail to notice the Writer's Guild of America strike.

8. Dennis Kucinich and Duncan Hunter both put up a strong fight to be the most irrelevant remaining Presidential candidate.

7. The Mormon Church edits the Book of Mormon to modify the religion's assertions of the Native American genealogy and to make Reebok the official sports shoe of Mormonism.

6. Iraqi Kurds detain soldiers from Turkey who were part of a Turkish attack on Kurdish territory in Iraq. This reminds millions of Americans to add both poultry and cheese to their Thanksgiving shopping lists.

5. A senate investigation into questionably extravagant purchases by mega-ministry leaders causes Pastor James Shorm of Rochester First Baptist in Minnesota to stop using premium gas to fill up the church van, just to be on the safe side.

4. Gas prices skyrocket, dramatically increasing the income of nations in the Middle East and the smugness of the typical Prius owner.

3. Mattel announces that the company has plans to enter the nuclear arms shipping container industry since it has a lot of excess lead lying around.

2. Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry appeals his marijuana usage conviction with the rationalization that everyone in Denver plays a mile high and on grass.

1. An unnamed blogger who is short on ideas decides to post a completely unfunny top ten list and, furthermore, expects his audience to read it.

name that band

Each picture below represents a band name. Not all of the bands are still together, but more than one still is. All of the bands are very well known, so don't be thinking of obscure musicians.

As an example of what I am getting at, if I displayed a few images of Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill, you could answer that this represented The Rolling Stones. That would also probably be one of the easier pictures to guess.

I did not plan it this way, but I think the pictures start easier and get progressively harder. Others may differ on that opinion.

I will provide the answers tomorrow in the comments. Feel free to try to guess the answers before then, though.

1. This is easier when approached from my perspective.


2. I never claimed to be an artist. Even so, it should be obvious that these are sheep. What does that have to do with anything, though?


3. Aren't they cute? I mean the birds, not the politicians.


4. Are there any card games where you only hold three cards? I only displayed these three cards because this clue is difficult enough without me throwing extra cards into the mix.


5. No, I did not mean to make this guy too small for his robe. Again, I am not an artist.

Hopefully I don't need to warn anyone that there is a possibility that someone will throw some guesses out in the comments. So, if you don't want anyone to tell you the answers yet you may not want to read the comments until later.

the squirrel

This is a poem I wrote for a creative writing club in 1995 when I was much younger. We were supposed to write a poem about Spring, and this is what resulted.

The squirrel, our main character
Had hibernated all winter
Through all the freezing sleet and snow
He was warm in the ground below

He gathered nuts the prior fall
And in the ground he stored them all
Yet not noticing in the least
He put them in a heap of yeast

While he was in hibernation
His horde was in fermentation
So that first nut that he got
Was somewhat like a whiskey shot

Shocked by this taste in his coffer
He liked it so he tried another
Soon drunk on the ground he did lay
Thinking of what his wife would say

He soon dozed off without a fight
And lay like that through all the night
When he finally did awake
He had an Excedrin headache

His sight seemed to dance and hover
This squirrel had a hangover
Half digested nuts were heaved out
As he looked for his part of town

He had never heard such a shout
As the one that his spouse let out
He made this promise to his wife
“No more booze for all my life”

One year later and no smarter
He thinks his stash under water
What he hid them this time in
Is now some nitroglycerine

This poem is dedicated to the squirrel who was the unfortunate victim of an accidental explosion.

more contrived dialogue

A while ago I created a list of implausible discussions that were meant to be viewed as simple sketches. It actually got a much better response than I expected, so I decided to create a second list. Unfortunately, it takes a little time to come up with the ideas and the conversations, so this second list was a little late in coming.

Without further adieu, here's list two.

The other brother Darryl from Newhart, a Mime, R2D2, and Woodstock
Darryl:
Mime:
R2D2: *whistle* *click* *beep* *beep* *whistle*
Woodstock:'''''''''
Darryl:
Woodstock:'''
Mime:
R2D2: *beep*
Darryl:

Scrooge and Jesus
Scrooge: "I am here to meet with the Ghost of Christmas Past."
Jesus: "That's me. The 'ghost' part is just marketing, though."

A Homeless Man and Donald Trump
Homeless Man: "I was going to use my panhandling money for a sandwich, but it looks like you need it more. I know this guy who used to work as a barber and he usually hangs out under the bridge over there around this time of day..."

Young George Washington and his dad
George's Dad: "Did you cut down that cherry tree?"
George: "I cannot tell a lie."
George's Dad: "So, is that a yes or no?"
George:
R2D2: *Whistle*

The "Orchestra Conductor Bandit" and a bank teller
Bandit: "This is a stick up!"
Teller (fifteen seconds later): *sigh*

Hank Hill and a French soldier
Hank: "Would you like to buy some clean and consistent burning propane and some propane accessories?"
French Soldier: "No. I already have propane."
French Soldier (whispering to a friend): "Ha, ha, I told him I already have propane!"
Hank: "Doggone it, then why are you in a propane st—oh, never mind. Hey, are you from Tulsa by any chance?"
French Soldier: "No, I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrrrrageous accent?"
Hank: "That's why I thought you were from Tulsa."

Dirty Harry and Charlie Brown
Dirty Harry: "You've got to ask yourself a question, 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?!"
Charlie Brown: "That has to be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

Young John Dillinger and a career counselor
John: "I'd like to get into a career where I can take as much money as I want from others and they can't do anything about it."
Career Counselor: "Well, the IRS is always hiring."
John: "I don't really want to get into government work. Do you have anything else?"
Career Counselor: "You could become a lawyer."
John: "I thought of that too. It won't work for me, though, because that requires a lot of work. Also, I would like to find a way to integrate my love of firearms into my job."
Career Counselor: "The firearms thing eliminates automotive repair, working for a cable provider, and being a wedding planner almost everywhere outside the Appalachians. I really don't think there is much left. It looks like you're going to have to be a little less picky. Outside a life of crime, you just aren't going to get what you want."

Sigmund Freud and his wife
Sigmund's Wife: "Honey, can you go to the store an pick up some milk?"
Sigmund: "Yes, slave master—I mean sweetheart."
Sigmund's Wife: "What did you just say?"
Sigmund: "Don't worry about it. I just made a me slip."

Winston Churchill and a typical American Idol contestant
Churchill: "Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense."
American Idol Contestant: "That's why I am going to devote my life to becoming a professional singer even though I was just told I have no talent. Take that, Simon."
Churchill: "Did you not hear me say anything about good sense?"

Robert Goddard and a technical support person
Tech Support: "Right click on the icon"
Goddard: "It just highlights the icon. Nothing else happens."
Tech Support: "You're left clicking. I need you to right click."
Goddard: "This is so frustrating."
Tech Support: "It shouldn't be. It's not rocket science."
Goddard: "You don't understand. I wish it was rocket science. That's why it's frustrating."

dustradamus

Anyone who knows me should not be too surprised that I am not too impressed by most futurists. I can't imagine taking a fortune teller or astrologer seriously even if I didn't have doctrinal reasons not to do so. The idea that the stars I was born under or creases on my hand predetermine the events in my life is absurd unless you can somehow attach the prediction to something or someone controlling the stars, the creases, or my life.

Because I have this view, I sometimes get a kick out of what I think are pointless predictions. Who are these people who think it's a good idea to dump three dollars a minute into phone psychics? Why do the people who follow their horoscope do so? Why does anyone take Nostradamus seriously?

Nostradamus is probably the most fun to follow. His predictions are not straightforward predictions. They are rather cryptic quatrains that people have later determined predicted specific things. For example, some people believe the following quatrain describes Hitler (Century 3, Quatrain 35).

Out of the deepest part of the west of Europe,
From poor people a young child shall be born,
Who with his tongue shall seduce many people,
His fame shall increase in the Eastern Kingdom.

Now, I have to be fair. I hand-picked this quatrain because it fits my point. That point is that eventually some person had to be born who would have to match this description. It only took four or five hundred years before people were comfortable attributing this to someone. If someone hadn't been born yet to match the description, the devout could always fall back on the belief that it simply has not occurred yet.

Also, if Nostradamus did predict Hitler, what value did that provide to anyone? The acknowledgement is after the fact, so people couldn't do anything to prepare for or prevent Hitler based on Nostradamus' writings.

After giving this some thought, I decided that I'd go ahead and jump on the bandwagon and write a few random quatrains. Maybe I'll check back later to see if anything happens that is similar to them.

Quatrain #1:
From the heart of the land of his parent Africa
The youth will rise to unite those divided
From coast to coast they will be drawn
And he will also be really good at soccer

Quatrain #2:
One by one the mimics will fall away
Till one is left whose name is unmarred
He will point the way for the rest to follow
Then he will be revealed as a fraud as well

Quatrain #3:
A man of brawn and a woman of brain
Will meet and find they have a common need
After a great interplay of intents and words
She will buy his car for the price she wants

Remember, you heard it here first. Unless it didn't come out clearly enough with my tongue in my cheek.

sanctuary clock battery dies

Sanctuary Clock Battery Dies; Pastor Speaks for 17 Hours

DULUTH, MINNESOTA, February 12, 2007 (OTB) -- Members of Duluth Community Church got more than they bargained for from the Sunday morning sermon last week--about sixteen hours more. Pastor Morty Glover exceeded all personal records last week when he preached a Sunday morning sermon for seventeen hours, a move which he insists was unintentional.

"My sermon started at 10:45 as usual and at 11:30 it was as if time stood still," Glover explained. "I figured this was God holding back time for me like He did for the Israelites in Joshua 10. I thought there was someone in the congregation that needed to hear what I--I mean God--had to say to him. I didn't realize that the battery in the sanctuary clock had died."

Most of the congregation has watches and tried to signal to Pastor Glover that he was going long, but he was convinced that it was Satan working through them to keep him from completing his sermon comparing different lineages in the Bible. Eventually, people started walking out.

A few people stayed to the end of the sermon, but even several of those only did so because they fell asleep. "I usually nod off about fifteen minutes into the sermon and my sleep is interrupted when the pastor concludes the service with a loud prayer," said parishioner George Smith, "but when I woke this time the Pastor was thanking those who had stayed to hear what the Lord had to say. It is the most rested I've been in years."

Glover is still convinced that the battery dying was an act of God, but several members of the congregation aren't so sure. They have created a rotation to change the clock batteries every week. This group is managed by church board member Carl Jefferson. "If God wants Pastor Glover to speak that long again," intoned Jefferson, "He is going to have to find some other way to make it happen."

a prayer

Now I wake me up from sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die while in my bed
I pray the Lord to rest the dead

Now I step me to the sink
I wash up so as not to stink
And if I die before I dry
Just towel me off where I lie

Now I get me dressed for work
I wear it all pants and shirt
And if I die while half dressed
Leave me there so I can rest

Now I get me out the door
My body pimples every pore
And if I die from the cold
Just stand me up and behold

Now I get me to my car
It's not been scraped yet thus far
And if I die before I'm done
Lie me down beneath the sun

Now I get me through the day
To somehow make it through the fray
And if I die before the dusk
Deal with me without a fuss

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take

contrived dialogue

I decided that I would play around with crazy conversations different people and characters may have in some bizarro world. If this goes well I may try it again in the future.

Descartes and Popeye
Descartes: "You think, therefore you are."
Popeye: "I yam what I yam."
Descartes: "Yes, but you must first establish a frame of reference other than personal perceptions with which to determine whether you yam--I mean are--actually in existence.
Popeye: "I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam."
Descartes: "That's impossible to say, because we do not have a proper frame of reference for who you are. Are you a physical being? If so what perceptions you have are unreliable because physical evidence of existence is not the least bit trustworthy.
Popeye: "Are you trying to ruffle me feathers? Why I yaughta eat me can of spinach and..."
Descartes: "I take it back. You don't think, therefore you aren't."

Paris Hilton and (does it really matter?)
Hilton: "Checkmate."
Other Person: "Um, we're playing poker."

Moses and a hostage taker
Moses: "Let my people go."
Hostage Taker: "What's with all the frogs?"

Frodo and Confucious
Frodo: "I know what I must do. It's just... I'm afraid to do it."
Confucious: "Confucious say, 'Hobbit who not deal with fear before reaching his destination is dread on arrival.'"

Foghorn Leghorn and Colonal Sanders
Foghorn Leghorn: "I say--I say, boy. I say--are you listening to me, boy? I say, you're really making me nervous with that look in your eye. The fryin' pan don't--I say the fryin' pan don't make me feel too good neither, boy."

Corporal Klinger and his wife
Klinger: "Your slip is showing."
His wife: "So is yours."

A 22-year-old hippie in 1967 and himself forty years later
1967 Hippie: "Trust no one over thirty."
2007 Hippie: "Trust no one under fifty."
1967 Hippie: "Down with the establishment."
2007 Hippie: "My social security check is late."

Barney Fife and a pushy florist
Fife: "Nip it. Nip it in the bud."

Adolph Hitler and the Soup Nazi
Hitler: "With your soup I could properly nourish my superhuman, Aryan army."
Soup Nazi: "Pay and step to the left!"
Hitler: "You would dare talk to the Führer that way?!"
Soup Nazi: "No soup for you! Next!"

Used rug dealer and Alladin
Rug Dealer: "This rug is a beaut. The last owner was an old lady who only rode it to mosque on Fridays."
Alladin: "That's good, but I have some questions about the limited tassel to tassel warranty."

Jack Benny and a bellhop
Bellhop: "Ahem."
Benny: "Yes?"
Bellhop: "Ahem."
Benny: "Oh, you expect a tip?"
Bellhop: "That is customary, sir."
Benny: "Do you have change for a dollar?"

do not call list

One Remaining Number Not on "Do Not Call" List

AYNOR, SOUTH CAROLINA, January 11, 2007 (OTB)--Telemarketers are annoying. Telemarketers are evil. Telemarketers are out to get consumers' every last cent. Just don't tell that to 83-year-old Ellen Carmichael, whose home phone number is the only remaining landline number in America not yet added to the Federal Trade Commission's "Do not call" list. "I considered adding my name to the list because everyone else in my bridge club was doing it," Carmichael remembered, "but I couldn't give up the pleasant interactions I have with those wonderful people every day."

Carmichael pays for all the items she purchases with the proceeds she received selling her late husband's quarrying business. "Ronald would have preferred it this way," noted Carmichael. "He left me more money than I can use, so I like to think all the nice telemarketers who call me so frequently can really do more with it. Plus, I'm not as lonesome as I was right after he passed when I am answering the phone every ten minutes."

Since Carmichael is now the only consumer they can call, the remaining major telemarketing firms have had to plan calls around each other's and her schedule. Darling Brothers Telemarketing, based in Orono, Maine, gets the first two-and-a-half hours of Ellen's day starting at six in the morning. After a half hour delay phone representatives from Best 4 Less Telemarketing, based in Sandpoint, Idaho, call Ellen for the next two-and-a-half hours. This pattern is repeated throughout her day.

While selling products to a woman who will buy anything sounds like an easy task, it is not without risks. "We had to shut down operations for two weeks when some [idiot] from Specialty Telemarketing sold her a ten day cruise," recalled Tom Howtzer, director of sales with Darling Brothers. "I'm sure he made a good commission, but he put us out of commission for a while." That incident was one of the motivating factors for an agreement signed by the telemarketing firms that have reserved the right to call Carmichael, known as the Carmichael Five.

Now, per contractual agreement, only products that all the firms in question approve as not likely to keep Carmichael away from the phone may be sold to her. She may not be peddled vacation packages, cars, or satellite television service.

Ellen is not going to live forever, and this is not lost on the Carmichael Five. "We know we have to find someone else like Ellen who is willing to be removed from the 'Do not call' list," remarked Howtzer flatly when the subject was mentioned. "I don't want to say too much, but we believe we have inside information on a wealthy 62-year-old widow whose son added her to the list against her wishes. If we can get her removed from the list, we can double operations."

Even when presented with the negative, the Carmichael Five try to stay positive. Of course, that's their call.

holiday plans

Golden, NJ, and I will be headed to her parents' house tonight, then to visit my family in western Pennsylvania this weekend. As a result, we may or may not be checking blogs over the next week and a half. We'll see how things go.

In the meantime I leave you with the top ten news stories of the past year.

10. Mel Gibson goes on a drunk tirade against Palestinians in a failed attempt to reconcile with the Jewish community.

9. Responding to complaints that the steps taken to block a United Arab Emirates company's attempted takeover of U.S. ports was racist, several lawmakers point out that they, "have several United Arab Emirate friends."

8. The organizers of the Winter Olympics hire Simon Cowell to help judge the ice dancing contests in hopes of winning over some of the American Idol crowd.

7. Democrats win back both the House and Senate from Republicans on a platform of eliminating corruption. In order to make good on this promise, however, they are forced to completely disband both institutions.

6. Millions of people become emotionally involved with Suri Cruise. An entire 0.02% of them will have an actual valid reason to be emotionally involved at some point in their lives.

5. President Bush advocates moving 100,000,000 troops to Iraq by June, 2007. Democrats counter that no troops are needed and control should be handed over to Al Qaeda because it is better equipped to deal with the situation on the ground.

4. The Pope offends many in the Muslim world when he asserts that Catholicism has developed way cooler mandatory attire than those who practice Islam could ever dream of.

3. Exporting horse meat is outlawed in the United States due to public disgust over the practice of eating the meat. Exporting cow, chicken, rabbit, duck, pheasant, turkey, moose, deer, bear, rattlesnake, pig, and gopher meat is still legal--for now.

2. A student forces a lockdown in Chicago Midway Airport when she is caught smuggling a bottle of Aquafina through a TSA security checkpoint. She will be eligible for parole in 2023.

1. Britney Spears becomes the first person in history whose life actually goes downhill after leaving Kevin Federline.

portland or bust

In honor of BB's four day drive to Portland with Monty the dog that starts tomorrow, this is a list of the top ten ideas of what BB can do to entertain himself on the trip.

10. For the first few hours he should be on I-70 in Kansas or I-80 in Nebraska, so a nap should be in order. He shouldn't have to steer at all as the drive is pretty much a straight shot. Even if he were to drive off the road, what's he going to hit anyway?

9. Listen to a small percentage of the songs he has downloaded over the past month.

8. Count the number of cars he passes in Wyoming. He could use the fingers on both hands if necessary.

7. Do a Chinese fire drill with Monty and close and lock the doors before Monty can get back in. That dog will be so embarrassed!

6. Count the hours between when he first sees the Rocky Mountains to when he actually reaches the Rocky Mountains.

5. Try to find a coffee shop in Salt Lake City. Apparently Mormons don't like their caffeine.

4. Sing 80s songs to Monty. "I want to know what love is..."

3. Just stop in random locations and look for something fun to do. If BB knew how to be creative he could make this work. Just kidding, I figured I would parrot Forrest for a moment.

2. Remember once he gets to Portland everything that he forgot to pack.

1. Dream up hundreds of reasons why the whole trip, no matter how enjoyable it was, "sucked."