This past week I came across a story about a wannabe gold digger more than one news source. There is a little doubt as to whether both postings are real, but they are both believed to be likely be serious posts.
In a nutshell, a woman posted on Craig's List asking for advice on how to land a husband making $500 thousand a year, because she has only been able to date guys making in the $200 thousand range. She believes that she is beautiful and cultured enough to land a better guy, so what is she doing wrong? Someone claiming to match the woman's qualifications then responded with a biting explanation of why she may not be having much success.
If there is something I am judgmental about, it is regarding shallowness. I used to be even worse than I am right now. In case it is not already painfully obvious, I hate to see people make decisions about others' value based on looks, popularity, wealth, and anything of that nature. The problem for me, though, is where should the line be drawn.
What qualifies as shallowness? The definition that I used to follow was that shallowness is making a decision about whether I want to have a relationship (friendship or otherwise) based on something that that person either has no control over or that results from that person being fake. Now, I don't hate that definition, but I don't think it is perfect, either.
Most of the time when I hear shallowness mentioned, it is in reference to appearance, money, or social position. Are these things inherently shallow, though? For example, I used to think that plastic surgery was incredibly shallow in all circumstances. I now think that if others judge based on appearance, maybe the surgery is to address others' shallowness rather the shallowness of the person having the surgery. Or at a less extreme level, I don't think it is naturally shallow for someone to use makeup, and I think most people agree with that.
I do think that what society deems as shallow and not shallow is often inaccurate. However, I don't always have a good reason for why I think that something is shallow in comparison to something else that I do not think is shallow.
So, this is another one of those posts where I ask for reader opinions. What is shallow and what isn't shallow? Is there a line to cross or is there gray area?
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10 comments:
I used to think that plastic surgery was a little shallow too, however it can help a person's self esteem if they are sensitive about their looks.
shallowness is in the eye of the beholder. i am not sure if something can be inherently shallow. shallowness is all about motivation. there is nothing wrong in wanting to look nice but does wanting to look nice possess you.
does wanting to look nice possess you.
I like the way Golden worded this. Wanting to look nice is okay and I think perfectly acceptable, but does it possess you. I agree that some people who get surgery get it to address others issues more then themselves. I guess society would have to change to change this? Does that make society shallow? Can society by definition be shallow?
I would say about 2 feet of water or less is pretty shallow.
Using words like SHALLOW seems, ummm,shallow. What I mean is the last time I've heard people refer to someone else as shallow (other than your blogs) was like in junior high between girls who were jealous of other girls.
To often people throw around that word to discribe someone who is different and has different priorities than their own. (Be it clothes because they can afford it or music because what else is there int the world or a certain group of friends that they clique with.) In those instances, calling someone shallow is an attack on ones character in order to make yourself better.
And what do you mean by fake? That word is just as bad as shallow.
What you are discribing seems to be more complex than "being shallow." Do you have a better word...like insecure or unhealthy self-esteem.
Back to highschool, what it comes down to is that the accused and the accuser of "shallowness" are the same person, struggling with the same problems...self-esteem and wanting to be liked and all that stuff.
FYI, I posted a response earlier, but retyped it because it was difficult to follow
Forrest,
It isn't really relevant if you haven't heard people refer to others as shallow in a while. It's a topic I want to post about, so I did.
I do strongly disagree that this is specifically a junior high issue, though. As the example that I linked to and that got me started on this indicates, shallowness exists in adulthood.
I would like to know why you are put off by a discussion of shallowness? Do you not observe shallow people? At the least, isn't it intriguing what motivates peoples' decisions?
Your Quote:
"Do you have a better word...like insecure or unhealthy self-esteem."
You may be misinterpreting what I am defining, or I may just not be defining it clearly enough. The woman in the link I provided does not appear to be insecure at all. She is judgmental of others for her own selfish purposes, and that is why I would deem her shallow.
In fact, I don't really think you need to have low self-esteem to care whether someone is shallow. I am annoyed by the people I deem shallow largely because their motivation is less than altruistic. If someone I think is shallow wants to be my friend, I am never comfortable with it because I am constantly wondering what they are expecting to get out of the friendship.
I gave this a little more thought.
I think I care the most about this because I see the implications of shallowness as injustice. I tend to be high in empathy so it tears my heart out when I see people judged for stupid reasons.
I agree with Forest on a few points. Many people, like myself, do not come from happy, healthy homes and they develop unhealthy ways of looking at themselves and others.
I used to be obsessed with how I look (hence I developed an eating disorder). If dust were to meet me in that time of my life, you would have considered me shallow, I am sure!!! I thought of no one but myself, of how much I was eating or how I looked, and of how skinny or fat others looked. I judged others by this, but I was not healthy psychologically. It took years of therapy to get my thinking straight. This culture definitely encouraged my destructive thinking too!!
So this woman may appear to be shallow, but I am convinced that this is almost always a side-effect of their homelife, how they were raised and what values they were instilled with. We live in a society that put too much influence on looks and how much you make. Many parents make this seem the correct way to think. Only if a person is taught the correct way to love and accept all people regardless of appearance, how much they make, etc., will that person truly not be a regarder of persons as the Bible says.
But, in dust's favor, I believe that a small percentage of the population are rude, shallow and mean inherently.
"It isn't really relevant if you haven't heard people refer to others as shallow in a while. It's a topic I want to post about, so I did."
It is relevant when I am trying to make a point accussing one of "shallowness" is all highschool speak.
"I do strongly disagree that this is specifically a junior high issue, though. As the example that I linked to and that got me started on this indicates, shallowness exists in adulthood."
YOu are not getting it. Did you even understand the context of my post. I am knocking the word, not the issue. The issues does exist but it is more complext than calling someone shallow. I didn't say the issue was from junior high, but this whole namecalling of "being shallow" is something that I just don't hear from adults...and that is what is "junior highish."
"I would like to know why you are put off by a discussion of shallowness?"
I wouldn't say that I am "put off". It just seems (from experience) those who call out shallowness are just as "shallow" and that is why I put it in the context of junior high. It is name calling because there are more complex issues at hand.
"Do you not observe shallow people?"
I observe people and they all have flaws including me.
"At the least, isn't it intriguing what motivates peoples' decisions?"
Are you really looking at motivation?
I would argue that the woman in the link is insecure in herself. She obviously needs validation from a man with lots of money. Yes, she is also very selfish and probably unkind. Maybe she has been spoiled all her life or maybe she grew up dirt poor and is trying to escape her childhood traumas of having no money.
I agree with you on the issues and behaviors of this problem. my hangup is the word "Shallow."...and I needed to spice up your blog world a bit - to have some fun.
"If someone I think is shallow wants to be my friend, I am never comfortable with it because I am constantly wondering what they are expecting to get out of the friendship."
I know of this problem and I too am not comfortable. I try to be a friend and friendly, but I have to play it safe. See where their actions really take them and just not get too close.
Don't think I am uptight about this. I am more than happy to have things spiced up. :)
As I said, I don't agree with framing the definition of "shallowness" as a self-esteem issue because I think that targets only one type of person. Do you have any other recommendations for words to use other than "shallow"?
Today's quote of the day on my iGoogle page:
"Only the shallow know themselves."
- Oscar Wilde
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