Week seven: Did you really assume
I'd find some solace from the letter in your room?
Next life, could you kindly refrain
From throwing yourself at the mercy of a train?
Silence all, nobody breathe
How in the world could you just leave?
You promised you would
Silence that evil with good- Newsboys ("Elle G.")
I tried to kill the painThis past weekend I watched a documentary entitled Bridge, which is applicable to this site for more than just the name. It is about the people who actually jump off the bridge. The film captures people as they attempt to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Most succeed.
But only brought more
So much pain
I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?- Evanescence ("Tourniquet")
In most of the Christian traditions of which I have some knowledge, suicide has been viewed as a kind of unforgivable sin. Logically, this does appear to make some sense. How can someone be right with God when in their last moments they ended a life?
I have always wondered about the state of the soul of the person who commits suicide. While this does not describe all suicides, I would guess that most frequently it is something reserved to people who are chemically imbalanced. For this and other reasons, I am not convinced that suicide is an unforgivable sin. No one is perfect when they die, so maybe grace can cover suicide.
I have also always wondered about what goes through the head of someone intending to commit suicide. What is the trigger that makes someone think this is the best option available? One man in Bridge said that after he jumped off the bridge he immediately regretted the decision and decided he did not really want to die. Is this regret universal?
What about people who decide to end it all for other reasons? This treads into political waters, but I honestly don't know how I feel about people who are terminally ill who want to end their lives early. Is that death merciful or is it a selfish approach that ignores the importance and value of life? How would I feel if I had to make that decision?
In my mind, if suicide is unforgivable it has to be because it is because it is somehow a selfish or cowardly act. I already know that giving your life for someone else is about the most God-like thing a person can do. Maybe the ultimate selfless act can also be the ultimate selfish act as well once all of the altruism has been removed.
Even though this blog is about me figuratively jumping off the bridge, I cannot even fathom ever being at the point where I would want to literally do so. Not even if everyone else was doing it.
7 comments:
That would be an interesting movie to watch, but I think I'd have to pass. I have no desire to watch people actually dying in front of me.
A very good friend of mine committed suicide when we were in high school. That is something that you will always affect you, I can only imagine what his family went through and goes through trying to reconcile his death.
One of my favorite opening scenes to a movies is from the Million Dollar Hotel. It is a who-did-it detective story intermixed with love and human relationships.
The movie was directed by Wim Wenders and the concept came from Bono and from what I read it was the following quote that gave him the idea for the movie.
The movie opens with an event that happens at the end of the movie. Tom-Tom, the resident idiot and mentally retarded, is on the rooftop of this hotel. U2's "The First Time" is playin in the background and they show Tom-Tom running across the length of the roof (in slow motion, very beautiful) and finally he jumps.
On his way down (still in slo-mo) you hear his voice-over narration where he just came to the conclusion"
"Wow, after I jumped it occurred to me life is perfect, life is the best, full of magic, beauty, opportunity... and television... and surprises, lots of surprises, yeah. And then there's the best stuff of course, better than anything anyone ever made up, 'cause it's real..."
But, yeah, that was the idea for making a film...after I jumped, it occured to me...
It's not a film for everyone. It is very slow paced with lots of strange people (the low-lifes of society.) But if you stick with it, it can be rewarding in the end.
Unfortnately, You know someone who tried to kill themselves, me! It was really a cry for help. I was so ill, I couldn't work because I would eat too much at work and then get sick, so I would not bring food to work but then I would steal it.
I would eat any food in my apartment until I almost burst my stomach, so I would go out and buy food at fast food restaurants, 2 or 3 in a night and feel like I wanted to die, so I tried it a few times in my car with food wrappers everywhere. But it was when I couldn't work and I couldn't keep money in my apartmentt at all or I would go out and binge that I really lost it. I tried about 5 times then. But it is very painful to slit your wrists! Thankfully, so painful I didn't succeed.
You defintely have more insight than I do into this topic, then.
If it was a cry for help, did you know whether you really wanted to succeed?
Believe or not, I actually haven't seen "Million Dollar Hotel" despite the fact that it was written by Bono. Anyway, suicide has always been a touchy subject with me. I guess because as a teenager and even well into my 20's, I've battled major depression. I've been diagnoised with dystymic disorder (300.4 in the DSM-IV of mental illness). Basically it means chronic depression that sets in your teenage years. Some days were better than others but I always wondered what would it take to commit suicide. What would be that final push. When I went to college, I studied sociology and did a lot of papers on suicide and read a lot up on the theroies of a sociologist named Emile Durkeim. He concluded that the people who feel more alieninated from society are the ones more likely to end it all. Since I've been working in mental health, I can tell you that suicide does tend to run in families and bio chemical factors do play a part. Bono commented on suicide (when INXS singer Michael Hutchense killed himself) saying that it is a extremely selfish act and if you could only see how other people who have it worse live.
I really like my hubby's insight into the topic! I didn't feel alienated from society though. My suicidal thoughts were rooted in my emotional issues from my alcoholic and seriously messed up family. Once I cleared up my issues, I no longer had any depressive tendencies or suicidal thoughts. How would Emily explain that??
But I can see how some people can have chemical imbalances. BB has opened my eyes to that, of course. And I have seen how depression runs in families. Some people have trouble seeing past their problems. All they see is the horrible mess their life is at that moment and they can't focus on anything else or see it ever getting better. I didn't understand this years ago, but I have experienced all sorts of mental illness in people since then.
This is a very interesting topic to me, understandably. I am glad you blogged about this. I hope I get to read more good comments. And, no, just, I didn't really want to kill myself. I wanted someone to help me because I was at a place where I couldn't help myself anymore. A few days after I tried to do it, friends called my dad in Iowa. He came and got me, took me there to live with him and that's how the Lord healed me. I escaped my mom (something my therapist had been trying to get me to do for 2 years), I got to deal with my issues with my dad, and a friend of my dad's gave me almost free psychotherapy for a year, during which I completely recovered. And I confronted my mother about my issues just one month before she died from alcoholism. So I had healing and closure. My mother explained her behavior and apologized to me right before she died in a letter. God had a plan. It was a tough 10 years, but God got me through it.
I am very dogmatic about my belief that suicide is not the unforgivable sin. I grew up thinking you had to have a "clean slate" when you died, and thus you have to repent all the time, to make sure you don't have a sin on your hands when you die.
But that's not the way Jesus atoned for our sins. When we accept his forgiveness, we accept it for all past and future sins, including whatever sin we may happen to be committing at our very last moment.
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