canada secedes from union

Canada Secedes from the Union

WASHINGTON, July 20, 2006 (OTB)--In a move that is sure to heighten tensions between Washington and Ottawa, President Bush and an array of congressmen and women from both major parties accused Canada of attempting to secede from the United States, or at least attempting to avoid contributing its fair share to the federal government's bottom line.

"I was looking through the Federal Treasury's account history online," commented Bush, "and I noticed that there is not one entry that indicates a citizen from Canada has ever contributed taxes to the federal government. Citizens from all states except West Virginia are supposed to at least do that." Bush was making a reference to the fact that no one in West Virginia with the exception of a few government employees is actually employed, so citizens of the state are exempt from making federal tax payments.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada assured reporters in a press conference this morning that a bipartisan task force was investigating the government's options. "If the allegations that President Bush has made are true, then both Democrats and Republicans feel the American people have a right to know why Canada has refused to pony up their tax obligations. This is one area where we share common ground."

Leaders from both parties agreed that such actions constituted an attempt to secede from the United States and could lead to an invasion of Canada and a second civil war. A statement signed by both Dennis Hastert, the Speaker of the House, and Nancy Pelosi, the House Minority Leader, supported this position. "If left with no choice, the United States must not shrink from the duty of taking decisive action to ensure the stability of the Union."

Canada's Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, was visibly agitated when he heard the news of the actions in Washington. In a frustrated manner he blurted, "We are a separate country from the United States! Really! We have our own flag and our own anthem and everything!"

Few from south of the Canadian border are willing to accept the idea that Canada is a separate country, though. In a recent USA Today poll, a shocking ninety-three percent of Americans expressed the belief that Canada is the fifty-first state. Six percent claimed to have never heard of Canada. Just under one percent answered, "Pat Buchanan." The only U.S. President known to have acknowledged that Canada is not part of the United States was Bill Clinton, though that acknowledgement was in the late 1960s for reasons he claimed had, "absolutely nothing to do with Vietnam."

The only resistance expected to an invasion of the "Great Northern State" is a small grouping of left-leaning pacifist activists and right-leaning states' rights advocates. "Just because Canada no longer wants to be a part of the United States does not give us the right to attack them," stressed a blogger sympathetic to the pacifists' cause. "They should be allowed to do whatever they please. It's a free country and they should feel free to separate from it without the fear of being attacked." A comment from a reader of the site chimed in agreement with the encouragement, "The North will rise again!"

"Maybe I'll agree with that," retorted Bush upon hearing these opinions, "when Hell freezes over."

In related news, official weather reports predict Hell to be a balmy 1,374 degrees today.