bless you, here's a pranky

On Saturday one of the letters I got in the mail had the following printed on the envelope. I would find out later at church that I was not the only one who received the letter, and that my impression of the letter was more or less the same as most everyone else.

"God's Holy Spirit instructed us to loan you this to start turning things around for you. So, here it is."

I had two immediate thoughts. First, I thought that this should be entertaining. Second, I concluded that I didn't need to think any more about what I would be posting on Monday. My opinion is that for most people this will either be very entertaining because of how crazy it is or it will be incredibly boring.

When I opened the envelope looking for some hokey stuff the contents did not disappoint. The first thing I saw was a blurry picture of Jesus in clouds, arms outstretched, next to text that informed me that I should not read the sealed prophecies until I returned a "prayer page" and "prayer handkerchief" (henceforth called the "pranky") in the envelope that was enclosed.

The instructions on the prayer page made several references to Acts 19:11-12 as proof that God wanted the recipient (in this case, me) to send back the pranky. The steps I was to follow were quite a bit more specific than the passage in Acts, but I was assured that this is what the Holy Spirit had instructed.

• I was to write my name and the name of someone who needs God's assistance in the middle of the pranky.
• I was to open my Bible to the passage in Acts.
• I was to lay the pranky on that passage. God apparently works by osmosis.
• I was to leave my Bible and pranky under the side of my bed for the night. I guess the smell of old shoes doesn't impact the process.
• I was to mail the pranky back immediately in the morning with the letter containing a list of things that I might like God to do for me and a line stating what type of "seed gift" I am giving to "God's work."
• I was to wait until I mailed all this stuff before I read my sealed prophecy.
• This was not technically a step, but both Matthew 9:29 and Mark 10:27 were both quoted to add extra assurance that this is what God wanted me to do.

I cheated and opened the sealed prophecies. The general points are listed below and my comments are italicized.

• The prophetic words are from the Holy Spirit Himself. Of course, this assertion is a large part of why I am being merciless with this mailer.
• I have a greater purpose than I have discovered. I agree. Care to elaborate, though?
• I am currently facing a decision. I am always facing a decision. Actually, of all the times in the last fifteen years my life, this is probably one of the ones where I am facing the fewest major, life-altering decisions.
• I need to set new goals in life because I am apathetic. I would guess this describes most people, but this is probably accurate.
• I have the power in me to speak blessings into my life. This sounds more like something Shirley McClaine might say than the Holy Spirit. God blesses. I don't.
• I may feel inner power growing because of my closeness to the Holy Spirit. Okay, this is about as big and bright as a red flag gets. I don't believe the Holy Spirit ever needs to use the word "may" unless He is describing a month.
• God will direct my steps. True, but I shouldn't need to mail any prankies anywhere for that to happen.


• I will be blessed as I am faithful in sowing seed into God's kingdom. Send money.

I know everyone reading this is intelligent enough to see through this charade, but I do want to detail what bothers me about this mailer.

• The "ministry" consists of a post office box, two phone numbers, and a millionaire in California. I am sure he got his money because he sent a pranky to someone else.
• Anyone who claims to relay what the Holy Spirit is saying better truly be relaying what the Holy Spirit is saying. I will go out on a limb and say that this church-cliché-ridden mass mailer is not word for word from the Holy Spirit.
• Apparently, this "ministry" targets—I mean, blesses—poor people.
• Rather than do something that draws people toward God, this "ministry" essentially pushes two groups of people away from God. First, those who believe in what this mailer is saying are encouraged to believe that God expects a defined set of steps to be closer to Him. God wants a relationship with people, not an instruction manual. Second, cynics who see Christianity as the realm of scammers and idiots have to get that idea from somewhere.
• I believe that the furthest you can be from God is to exploit through falsehoods others' desire to have faith for your own personal gain. I don't know how all sins stack up, but I cannot imagine many being much worse.