off the bridge

Week seven: Did you really assume
I'd find some solace from the letter in your room?
Next life, could you kindly refrain
From throwing yourself at the mercy of a train?

Silence all, nobody breathe
How in the world could you just leave?
You promised you would
Silence that evil with good- Newsboys ("Elle G.")

I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
So much pain
I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?- Evanescence ("Tourniquet")

This past weekend I watched a documentary entitled Bridge, which is applicable to this site for more than just the name. It is about the people who actually jump off the bridge. The film captures people as they attempt to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Most succeed.

In most of the Christian traditions of which I have some knowledge, suicide has been viewed as a kind of unforgivable sin. Logically, this does appear to make some sense. How can someone be right with God when in their last moments they ended a life?

I have always wondered about the state of the soul of the person who commits suicide. While this does not describe all suicides, I would guess that most frequently it is something reserved to people who are chemically imbalanced. For this and other reasons, I am not convinced that suicide is an unforgivable sin. No one is perfect when they die, so maybe grace can cover suicide.

I have also always wondered about what goes through the head of someone intending to commit suicide. What is the trigger that makes someone think this is the best option available? One man in Bridge said that after he jumped off the bridge he immediately regretted the decision and decided he did not really want to die. Is this regret universal?

What about people who decide to end it all for other reasons? This treads into political waters, but I honestly don't know how I feel about people who are terminally ill who want to end their lives early. Is that death merciful or is it a selfish approach that ignores the importance and value of life? How would I feel if I had to make that decision?

In my mind, if suicide is unforgivable it has to be because it is because it is somehow a selfish or cowardly act. I already know that giving your life for someone else is about the most God-like thing a person can do. Maybe the ultimate selfless act can also be the ultimate selfish act as well once all of the altruism has been removed.

Even though this blog is about me figuratively jumping off the bridge, I cannot even fathom ever being at the point where I would want to literally do so. Not even if everyone else was doing it.

fat fingered

On Monday I went bowling as part of a team-building activity at work. I was reminded of a question I always have had when trying to find a suitable ball. Who is it whose fingers are so much skinnier than mine who still wants to use a 16 pound ball?
I generally look for a ball in the 14 to 16 pound range because I rely heavily on the weight of the ball pushing the pins around. I am not accurate enough to use a lighter ball. I would figure that, since I am looking for bowling balls on the heavier side of the scale, the finger holes in the bowling balls that I check would tend to be larger. As a general rule, people with smaller fingers should want to use a lighter ball.

This is apparently not the case. More often than not I pass up a ball because my fingers do not fit. I have often wondered if anyone actually uses those heavier bowling balls with the smaller finger holes. Maybe there are a lot of people with skinny fingers. Or maybe I just have fatter fingers than I thought.

farewell, old friend

I have always likely reclining around the living room with a blanket. Around the house, I am a lot like Linus from the Peanuts. I actually also use this blanket in bed as well. I should probably be a little embarrassed about my blanket, but I am not.

The blanket that I have used for the last seven years is a light quilt that my grandmother gave us for our wedding. It got a lot of use over the last seven years and it shows it. There are uncountable tears in the blanket and it is threadbare from use. Golden has been annoyed about me using such a worn out blanket as of late and has been letting me know that we need to throw it out. I finally relented and started breaking in a replacement blanket last night.

The new blanket may have a hard time performing up to the old standard, because the old blanket set the bar high. It won't really matter whether the new blanket is up to snuff, though, because by the time I issue a final ruling the old one will be long gone.

honey do

While I was taking classes Golden was patient and did not ask me to do much. While there were things that she did want me to get to around the house, she was nice and decided not to burden me with them.

Now that I am through with classes for a while, I have a list of things that Golden wants me to do. I also have a list of things I want me to do, which might be as long.

When I was in class I would see something that needed done around the house and get frustrated that my time was limited to deal with those things. Now I am frustrated that I don't have an excuse not to work on them.

Maybe I'll come down with something.

jump

I generally like scary movies. Not really because I like the scariness, but because they usually are difficult to predict. Lately, I have liked watching scary movies alone, if only for the fact that I am jumpy.

It is usually easy to identify when a character is going to run into a shocking situation, but I always involuntarily jump back when something jumps out at the screen or at a character on the screen. When I saw Independence Day in the theater, I felt pretty embarrassed because I almost left my seat when the alien comes to life while it is being cut open at Area 51. I knew that was what was going to happen, but I didn't have control over my reaction.

My jumpiness carries over into real life as well. When I turn a corner and almost run into someone going the opposite direction, I am sure I am entertaining to watch. I startle real easily when people come up behind me as well.

As susceptible as I am to it, I also used to like jumping out at people to get a reaction when I was younger. I guess that just means I deserve what I get now.

the shallow end

This past week I came across a story about a wannabe gold digger more than one news source. There is a little doubt as to whether both postings are real, but they are both believed to be likely be serious posts.

In a nutshell, a woman posted on Craig's List asking for advice on how to land a husband making $500 thousand a year, because she has only been able to date guys making in the $200 thousand range. She believes that she is beautiful and cultured enough to land a better guy, so what is she doing wrong? Someone claiming to match the woman's qualifications then responded with a biting explanation of why she may not be having much success.

If there is something I am judgmental about, it is regarding shallowness. I used to be even worse than I am right now. In case it is not already painfully obvious, I hate to see people make decisions about others' value based on looks, popularity, wealth, and anything of that nature. The problem for me, though, is where should the line be drawn.

What qualifies as shallowness? The definition that I used to follow was that shallowness is making a decision about whether I want to have a relationship (friendship or otherwise) based on something that that person either has no control over or that results from that person being fake. Now, I don't hate that definition, but I don't think it is perfect, either.

Most of the time when I hear shallowness mentioned, it is in reference to appearance, money, or social position. Are these things inherently shallow, though? For example, I used to think that plastic surgery was incredibly shallow in all circumstances. I now think that if others judge based on appearance, maybe the surgery is to address others' shallowness rather the shallowness of the person having the surgery. Or at a less extreme level, I don't think it is naturally shallow for someone to use makeup, and I think most people agree with that.

I do think that what society deems as shallow and not shallow is often inaccurate. However, I don't always have a good reason for why I think that something is shallow in comparison to something else that I do not think is shallow.

So, this is another one of those posts where I ask for reader opinions. What is shallow and what isn't shallow? Is there a line to cross or is there gray area?

road hogs

In the past week I have had a few instances with overly aggressive motorcyclists on the road. Normally this is not a big deal, but I always wonder about people who aggressively drive their bikes on the highway.

Recently, I ran across two behaviors that I have seen quite a bit in the past. First, for a stretch of about a mile, and through a few lights, a guy in a motorcycle tailed me very closely. Eventually, he passed me, but before that he was close enough that I didn't see his tires. Second, I was driving down the highway at the speed limit when a cyclist blew past me weaving back and forth through traffic that was just about bumper to bumper. Both of these guys were wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

What I don't understand is why, if there is no safety mechanism in place in the case of an accident except for maybe a helmet, anyone would drive a motorcycle aggressively. If I am in the right mood I can be aggressive on the road as well, but I have an air bag in front of me and a steel frame around me to at least make me think I am safe. I also am easier to see and don't have to be concerned about balancing my car on two wheels. If a cyclist crashes at seventy miles an hour and is fortunate to not run into or under another vehicle he or she is still looking at a very serious case of road rash.

Normally, my opinion would be that if someone else wants to take their own life in their hands let them. One of my greatest fears on the road, though, is getting into an unavoidable accident with a motorcyclist that seriously hurts or kills him or her. Even if it is 100% the motorcyclist's fault, there is no way being in an accident where someone else is killed will not psychologically leave a mark on me as well. This is an admittedly selfish line of thinking, but it does explain why I care.