how not to review

I spent a couple of hours this weekend doing something I truly enjoy—reorganizing and cleaning up my Netflix queue. When I do that I typically glance through user reviews of some of the movies that I am on the fence about to see if I can get an indication if I would like the movie. Very frequently there is a review that provides very good details about why I personally would or would not like a movie. There are a few things that show up quite a bit that are less than helpful to me, though.

No Reasoning

Why do people think a review that basically says, "This is the greatest film ever," or, "They should have shot everyone involved in this film," but says little more is worth publishing? Tell me why you loved or hated the movie so I know if I am likely to agree or disagree.

Arrogance with Vagueness

A few reviews are kind of preachy regarding the type of movie the reviewer seems to think I should want to watch. The following is not copied from any specific review, but it could be.

"This is an intelligent film that takes its time to develop the plot and the characters, unlike a lot of the more popular mass market films that are nothing more than special effects. If you need an explosion every five minutes, then this movie is not for you."

Aside from the reviewer sounding arrogant, all I get from the review is that the pacing is slow and it may or may not be due to something that I care about. I want characters to be developed, but I don't want two hours of poorly-paced back story for a 135-minute movie. The following would be a better review.

"This movie is not for everyone because it is paced a bit more slowly than the average. While most of the slow pacing was necessary, there were two or three scenes that were unnecessary to the storyline. This did not bother me because I appreciated that they erred on providing too much detail about the main character rather than not enough. It was the right decision because the story is character-driven rather than effects-driven."

The above review is better because it tells me what I need to know. If the movie description sounds interesting I can get through the three pointless scenes without irritation. If it doesn't, I will probably be put off by having to watch meaningless scenes.

Not Scary

I like a lot of movies in the horror genre, but it splits about 50/50. I am interested in movies that have twisting or intelligent plot lines, and about half of horror movies fit into this mold. I do not really care one way or the other whether a movie is scary or gory, so when people use that as their only criteria it is not useful for me. I know I shouldn't complain about this for horror movies, but people do this for other genres such as thrillers as well.

Political, Religious, or Philosophical Reasoning

This does not happen too much, but sometimes people review a movie based on whether they agree with the message or not. This is not typically helpful, except in very narrow genres like Christian documentary.

Have not Watched the Movie

This is the most surprising. I hate when I see a review that says something to the effect of, "I am so excited that I am going to see this movie next week." No one cares about that.

Attractiveness of Actors/Actresses

That I can recall, I have never watched a movie because I thought someone in the movie was attractive. I would rather watch a movie with a plot I liked but with ugly stars than with a lousy plot and attractive stars.

Disc Was Damaged

I understand why someone would be irritated that they got a cracked or scratched disc and want to take it out on someone. It really only hurts other users who are looking for valid reviews to post a review that simply whines about getting a bad copy of the movie, though.

I am sure there are more, but those are the pet peeves I have had tonight.