monster

Cause we're all guilty of the same things
We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through
And I know that I have been forgiven
And I just hope you can forgive me too- Relient K ("Forgiven")

One of the strongest, most foundational themes in the Bible is forgiveness. This is in regard both to the fact that we don't deserve the forgiveness that we freely receive and that we should forgive others. It is important enough that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine someone genuinely being a Christian and harboring unforgiveness without an understanding that this is something that he or she needs to change in his or her life. This potentially represents the most dangerous spiritual obstacle that an otherwise upstanding Christian will face.

Probably the scariest parable Jesus taught was that of the unmerciful servant (Matt 18:21-35). If it were not for the fact that the servant had already had a huge debt forgiven, it would not seem unreasonable to most people for him to take measures to right the financial wrong that his fellow servant committed against him. Maybe in today's modern world we would not condone the severe actions that he took, but we certainly would not fault his sense of justice. It is precisely because the unmerciful servant had required mercy earlier that he was handed over to be tortured until his unpayable debt was repaid. He was not being punished for his unforgiveness, per se, but rather his unforgiveness nullified the forgiveness he otherwise would have received and he was held accountable for his debt. He could not accept forgiveness if he could not give it.

One of the rarest qualities in the world a person can have is the willingness and ability to truly forgive wrongs. Forgiveness with an air of superiority is pride. Forgiveness as a show is vanity. Forgiveness with conditions is an attempt to bargain with God or someone else. True forgiveness is not even necessarily something that needs to be said. It is something that is done in the heart. For as rare as this quality of the heart is, it is something that God absolutely expects.

While there are many things that make forgiveness difficult, I believe that the problem generally boils down to an issue of pride. It is much easier to forgive the monstrous things others do if we really believe that we ourselves are forgiven monsters. I am not saying that this makes forgiveness easy, but it does make forgiveness more possible. I actually think that that the first step of viewing oneself as in as much need of mercy as the people one despises is the nearly impossible step, and forgiveness is a cakewalk in comparison (note that I am speaking relatively here).

For my part my first reaction is not one of forgiveness when someone wrongs me in even a minor way. I know how hard forgiveness is because it is hard for me. I would much rather dream about revenges that I would not ever commit than spend that same effort forgiving the slight. That is just one more thing for which this monster needs to be forgiven.

don't think

When I was in college I had to take a typing class to complete my Management minor. Most people were able to test out of the class, but not me. To that point I had not had a lot of typing experience, or at least experience typing in a manner other than the hunt-and-peck method, so I knew I would not be capable of testing out of the class.

Now, more than ten years later typing is not such a big deal. I type a lot every day like most modern office workers and people mildly addicted to being online. I was thinking recently about how typing is not something I think about. To think about typing is to slow down and mess up. The finger movements have to be automatic to the point where there is almost no conscious effort involved. This is not the sort of thing at which I excel.

I used to think that the elements of sports that I was weaker in had something to do with athletic ability. I don't think so any more. For example, in baseball I have always been a decent fielder but a horrible batter. This make sense because when I bat I want to stop and think about whether I am going to swing and where I am going to swing. By the time I have thought about it the ball is in the catcher's glove. There is no stopping and thinking about where the ball is going when I am fielding, so I don't have many problems with that.

This is the same with musical performances. If a musician has to think about where each finger has to be on the piano or guitar or whatever instrument, then that musician will have a natural limit to his or her ability to play his or her instrument. Really impressive performances generally come from people who are able, through practice, to make their fingers move to the right place almost without conscious thought.

This all is an epiphany that I had recently. The things that I excel at are those things where I am given the opportunity to ponder. Through unending repetition I can make myself perform automatically, like with typing, but it comes less naturally to me than some others and I have to really work at it if it is very important to me.

The follow-up epiphany was that all practice is is a process for allowing you to do something properly without too much thinking. The thinking is done in advance when the practice routine is designed so that as little brain power as possible will be needed when that practice is put to the test. In more areas of life than I would like to accept, it is all too easy to think too much.

this side of the fence

As the old adage, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence," indicates, it is only natural to believe that other people have it better. I don't think things are quite so simple, though. I think that, while most people believe the grass is greener elsewhere consciously, they are so attached to their life that they wouldn't trade it for the apparently greener grass of someone else's life.

I started thinking about this because of fantasy football. In one of my leagues the rules are configured to encourage trading players before the season starts. Even though the rules are set this way so that a fair trade would benefit everyone involved, there are hardly ever more than two or three trades. This is because most people overvalue the players that they have and this causes them to be unable to set terms that someone else in the league is able to agree to.

I have been on both sides of the metaphorical fence at different times in my life. I have been the person who saw someone else who appeared fortunate in different areas of life and thought that it would be cool to be in that person's shoes. I am aware of a few situations where people were jealous of me due to something that they thought made my life better or easier. The obvious response to this jealousy is that the jealous person doesn't know what problems the person on the other side of the fence has to deal with. That response is not really the point of this post, though.

Like a person who is unwilling to trade a mediocre fantasy football player away because he or she overvalues that player, I think that most people would choose the hardships of their own lives rather than those of others if they were really actually given a choice. I am not saying that someone who has lost a child or a spouse wouldn't want them back. There are certainly exceptions and this is not a hard and fast rule. I am saying, though, that most people take ownership of the things in their lives and that causes those things to become a part of who they are. For example, if I were to trade my hardships for someone else's that would be the equivalent of giving up a large part of who I am.

One of my Facebook friends a while back lamented about how hard it is to be a nice guy. I agree. Life is seriously stacked against the nice guys and in favor of the inconsiderate jerks, but the reason that he is a nice guy is that at least on some level because he gets value in it. Not to negate the spiritual reasoning for being nice but, at a minimum, a significant part of what keeps him from being a selfish jerk is that it would be denying part of what his true self is, and that would be more painful than dealing with the drawbacks of being nice.

So, if you look at someone else's burden green with envy about how easy they have it, you have to ask would you really lose what identifies you as you to make your life a little easier if you actually had the choice. Could you really toss your hardships for someone else's? Even though I am not fond of the troubles I have had in my life, I don't think that I would.

nine

Today, well technically yesterday now, is (was) Golden's and my ninth anniversary. Most years I come up with something mildly sappy to post here, but this year it is just going to be an observation.

I think that most people in a couple, and even those who are poorly matched with their mate to start out, slowly become the perfect person for their significant other if only through familiarity. Golden is special because she started out perfect for me and has only become more so as the years have passed.

I love you, Golden.

what's that smell

The following is something I wrote for the summer edition of my church's quarterly magazine. My purpose was to write something that would encourage spiritual growth without being too cerebral or boring.

Something that I always look forward to in the summer is taking in the smells of the season. Everything from freshly cut grass to charcoal burning in a grill to chlorine from a pool is a reminder of the carefree freedom that summer represents. I have heard that the area of the brain that is focused on smell is very near the area of the brain that is used to recall memories, so I may just like summer smells because they remind me of summers past. Regardless of the cause, a nice summer smell can brighten an afternoon or evening if I am feeling a bit blasé.

What I find the most noteworthy about smells is how paradoxically subtle and pervasive they are. For example, if someone in our society has not showered for multiple days it is likely that no one will mention this to him or her. This person’s lack of personal hygiene will not be a secret to anyone, though. The perception of everyone who comes into contact with this man or woman will be affected by his or her smell. Even if this hypothetical smelly person has something of real worth to say, many people will ignore it due to the smell.

I think that the fruit of the Spirit is meant to work in much the same way that smells work in everyday life. As God changes me into the type of person that He wants me to be I will start to show love in situations where I may not have before. I will start to have joy in areas of my life where I would otherwise be bitter. I will have peace about things that would otherwise bother me. If God is really working in my life my disposition should be noticeably better because I am no longer projecting so much selfishness, bitterness, annoyance, and other undesirable traits that stink to those who have to be around me. People who spend time around me should notice that my temperament smells nice.

One thing that I can attempt is to try to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit more than comes natural to me. I can be good when I do not feel like being good and self-controlled when I do not feel like being self-controlled. This can have pitfalls as well, though. Giving the appearance of the fruit of the Spirit is not the same as having the fruit of the Spirit. The fruit of the Spirit is supposed to be the evidence of the work that God is doing in me rather than being an end goal. In Jesus’ time the Pharisees mastered the appearance of goodness and self-control without actually having that fruit in their lives. Furthermore, everyone knows at least one person who acts kind but who is obviously disingenuous. If lacking any hint of the fruit of the Spirit is like a person who has not showered for days, a person who falsely portrays the fruit of the Spirit is like someone who is using far too much cologne.

If I should not fake the fruit of the Spirit, the only solution has to be an openness to allow God to change me so that I slowly become the embodiment of the fruit of the Spirit. The writer of Hebrews saw things this way as he wrote in verse 12:10, “God disciplines us for our good that we may share in His holiness.” In order for me to become holy I have to allow God to change me through the things that happen in my life. The fruit of the Spirit will then slowly start to appear as I give over areas of myself to Him.

If really want to grow in the fruit of the Spirit there are a couple of questions that I need to ask myself daily. When I interact with others in my everyday life does my disposition reek of stench or of too much cologne? What are the areas of my life that I still need to release to God so that He can change me? If I can answer these honestly and allow God to do His work I will smell good in no time.