fight

I've done a lot of posting about, "When I was a kid," in the past few months.  This is one more, but with the twist of it being about what I didn't do when I was a kid.

A few weeks ago I heard another man around my age who I generally like and respect make a blanket statement about guys from our generation that doesn't describe me, and I'm not sure if that's because he's the odd one or I am.  The comment was went something to the effect of, "When I was a kid I'd fight on the playground with another boy, and afterward we'd be great friends.  I got a lot of my best friends today that way."  He stated this like it was a universal male experience and went on to make the point that this is one way in which men and women are naturally different.

I wrestled with friends a lot, and I got into arguments with one of my friends on a regular basis, but I never got into a true physical fight with anyone in either childhood or adulthood.  I'm sure that some of that comes down to parenting, and some comes down to the fact that I had a smaller than average build through most of childhood, but I never thought of fighting being the norm for boys.  I recall seeing boys on rare occasions "fight," if you could call it that, but I recall seeing many more boys stay to the sidelines in those "fights."

I do recall seeing several TV shows try to teach the lesson of physically standing up to bullies, but that always struck me (pun intended) as bad advice for the following reasons.

1. It's naive to assume that bullies are cowards who will back down to a smaller kid standing up to them.  Even if they are cowards, they'll be incentivized to make an example of anyone who stands up to them.
2. It's naive to think that when adults actually show up to deal with the situation that they'll understand that you were simply, "defending yourself."
3. It's naive to think that getting into a real fight won't lead to serious injuries that will be painful and take a while to address.
4. It's naive to think that a weapon won't get used in a real fight.

The advice always struck me as a roundabout means of victim blaming.  It allows for people to complain about the way these situations are handled today, because back in my day we understood that it was the victim's responsibility to stand up for themselves.  Fortunately, I didn't really have a lot of situations where this was applicable, but I always intended to back down from any fight as long as the fight wasn't about protecting someone.

Before our kids went into elementary school I had very genuine fears of them having to deal with bullying, and especially of NJ being in situations where someone wants to fight with him.  That sort of situation didn't appear in elementary school that I am aware of, and now he is going to an online school so it isn't likely to appear in the future.  Some of that is situational, and some of that is because society has changed.  I'm actually very happy that the cultural mindset has shifted on this topic.  Unless it's an absolute necessity, fighting is stupid.

life goals

Someone in our church has been teaching a marriage class Wednesday nights.  Golden is unable to attend because she teaches a pre-schooler class, but I've had the opportunity to regularly be there.

Much of the early portion of the class has been focused on avoiding contemptuous behavior and attitudes as well as becoming friends and allies.  I don't think I act with contempt a whole lot, though I'm sure I'm not perfect.  One thing that the class focused on regarding connecting with your spouse is learning more about each other's goals, desires, histories, etc.  Through this I've started to think about the fact that, while I have vague goals for life, I haven't really articulated them.

Golden and I talked about this aspect of the class and its associated book, and so we agreed to work on listing our goals for life and for our kids.  As I sat down to write about it I realized that, while I have an idealized idea of what I think a contented life looks like, I don't have a long bucket list of items I need to accomplish in life.  I don't know if this is good or bad.

What I would consider a contented life looks pretty selfish to me at the same time.  It largely boils down to wanting to have time to do such and such thing that is personally fulfilling but doesn't enhance anyone else's life.  I think that just comes from being a parent with less free time than I'd like.  At a different time in life the contented life list would look different.

Regarding the bucket list, I have precious few things on the list I really feel like I need to do, and the things that are on the list are completely negotiable.  As an example, I'd like to travel at some point, but where doesn't matter much to me.  Is having a more specific bucket list more fulfilling?

I think that part of why I have avoided creating a bucket list of measurable goals in the past is that it's not always realistic to check things off such a list.  Will I get a bad attitude about the things keeping me from accomplishing the list, or will it be a hit to my self-worth if I can't reasonably accomplish the things that I have put out there that I want to accomplish?  While I haven't explicitly thought this, it is just easier not to share all of what I might have as a goal, especially if I haven't fleshed out the specifics of it.

So, my question to you is, do you have specific or vague life goals?  Do you have a literal bucket list?  Are there things you assume you'll start doing later in life when there's time to do them?

goodbye, grandma

My grandmother on my dad's side passed this past Friday.  She was my last living grandparent, and so this is a bit like the ending of a generation.  I don't know if my thoughts at the moment count as a eulogy, but they're what's on my mind.

When my dad was a teenager my grandparents were called to leave rural Missouri and minister in Arizona.  There's far more to the story than that for those who want to hear the story, but I'm not going to tell that here right now.  Suffice to say, her life was defined by being a farm girl up to a certain age, then working on the Navajo reservation above that age, until their time of ministry was complete.

My mom has always stated that the way my dad does things and the way he thinks and talks comes from his mom.  I didn't notice that growing up, but on the rare occasions when I have seen him with her siblings I had to agree.  However, my take is that he doesn't take after my grandma so much as the entire clan of my grandmother's family.

Since my grandparents lived in the era and locations where they did, one huge thing they did that I noticed that was different than what I was used to was visiting.  When I would be there they would get random friends or family as visitors with no warning who would just drop in and chat for an hour or two in the middle of the day (any day).  I suspect this tradition came from the fact that they didn't grow up with ready phone access, but I did not notice that as much with my other grandparents.  I am sure part of it was that my grandmother had mentioned family specifically that we would be around and would appreciate the visit ahead of time.

If I have a regret it is that I haven't really learned how to connect to family on my dad's side.  Several of us are a bit awkward at managing those communications and connections, and so they get more ignored than they should be.  That's something to learn to be aware of when our kids have families of their own, I suppose.

While we don't ever know who we'll see when we make it to the other side, I really have no doubt that all of my grandparents will be waiting for me when I reach heaven.

careful what you wish for

I know this sounds weird to hear, but I remember when Tiffany Trump was born.  Clearly I wasn't there, but I remember it announced on the news.  It had minor significance to me at the time that I thought would be passing, but reflecting on that memory today has put in perspective for me how much viewpoints can change in one's life.

Ms. Trump was born at a time when my dad was moving between jobs, and so our family was living with my grandparents in a reasonably lengthy interim.  There wasn't a lot of money available in our family at the time, and while I did not grow up rich by any stretch, we were especially poor at that time.  The adults in the picture at the time (my parents, grandparents, and great aunt) all tried to make the best of it, and I was given more or less full reign in my grandparents' basement as my room, which was nice.  So, we weren't destitute on the street, but a big part of my personal identity at the time was feeling broke and trying very hard not to look poor.

At the time all I knew about Mr. Trump was that he lived in New York and was wealthy due to some businesses in the city.  I knew nothing of his personality, the nature of his businesses, who was in his family, or anything.  In a passing statement in the evening news the anchor mentioned that Mr. Trump and Marla Maples had a new daughter that they were naming "Tiffany" after the jewelry store.  The anchor implied that he owned the store, but my understanding now is that he just had business dealings with them.  I remember that all I could think in that moment was that this was a kid who was going to have a much easier time in life than I was having as I experienced a moment of envy.

Fast forward to my current adult life, and I understand today that the source of my envy could not be further from the truth.  I don't know anything about Tiffany Trump, but I do know that I would have hated my life being in now-President Trump's spotlight with all of the associated scandals.  I don't know her relationship with her father, but I do know that it's a running gag among comedians that her relationship isn't as good as with the president's other children.  That alone would be painful.  I don't know a ton about how Mr. Trump parented his kids, but the sources I have heard have indicated that he left a lot of that to the children's mothers.  From money or not, I can't imagine a more isolating situation to live in.

She clearly doesn't crave the limelight, because she'd be in it if she did, but her name is one that almost everyone in the country knows.  It would be hard to establish deep friendships because people already have an opinion of her before meeting her, and who's to say they aren't trying to use her to get to her dad.  How would you even do something as simple as go on a date?  It would be like getting all of the drawbacks of being a celebrity with the only positive being a bit of extra wealth.

I've heard warnings all of my life about being careful for what you wish for.  It's a very common trope in entertainment.  Still, you don't really appreciate the advice as much until you see it play itself out in action.  I really would not ever want to trade my life with that of anyone in the Trump family, and that's something my fourteen-year-old self would have been surprised to hear.