My son turned ten just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw, I said, not today
I got a lot to do, he said, that's okay
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
Said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, dad?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then
- Jen Chapin ("Cat's in the Cradle")
The song "Cat's in the Cradle" has been on the rotation in my office building's Muzak, so I've heard the song a couple of times in the past weeks while in the bathroom. I'll tell you, that's a hard song to listen to as a father.
I expect that everyone here has heard it before, but listening through the lyrics it's pretty heavy-handed. I also understand that the song is from a different era, and I think that accounts for the image portrayed in the song. There are certainly dads today who could be well-described by those lyrics, who really prioritize their job over their kids, but there are probably many more who feel like most decisions are trade-offs, and working a job is caring for the family.
Our two kids are now nine an eleven. Our nine-year-old daughter loves to spend time with me, and I love spending time with her. We read together, watch TV together, and sometimes get opportunities to talk. I'm enjoying this now as much as I can because I know that I'm not guaranteed that the relationship won't change as she gets older. When I know I have something that's going to keep me from home before her bedtime it saddens me because I know she enjoys our time together too.
Our son is eleven, and I spend what time I am able to with him. However, like I did when I was younger, he values his alone time very much. He has things he enjoys to do, but the natural father-son things like sports, board games, and Legos aren't on that list. I try very hard to find things that will keep his attention that we can do together, and I try very hard to find good topics of conversation. I feel that we've made recent progress, but it is a real challenge. His natural tendency is to wander back to his room as he gets bored.
My schedule is also packed. I tend to work late, I teach in church, I'm on the church board, I regularly meet with different folks in the church, and I do other random things that fill the calendar. I have avoided work that involved travel, but I still frequently feel a tension between the importance of time with the family and time with my other responsibilities.
Probably the issue that I most have with the song that opened this post is that it's written from a mildly selfish point of view. Spend time with your kids now, or it'll be your fault that they aren't around to meet your needs later when you want to spend time with them. What most concerns me has less to do with those regrets and more to do with the fact that these are the kids' formative years. Their perspectives of everything in the world are going to be based on a foundation of what they learn and experience now. Their abilities or lack thereof later in life are being set based on what happens now. How can a parent affect things when they can only be around so often?
