Partly but not entirely because two of the groomsmen from my wedding are getting married or have gotten married this year, I have been thinking about marital relationships a lot lately. It amazes me how fundamentally different men and women are, and how God not only allows, but also ordains, that the most important relationship that the majority of people have is with someone so incredibly different from them.
I see it in other marriages and even in my own where the couple can have a conversation and each person in the couple can walk away with a completely different understanding of what was just discussed. Words like romance, happiness, contentment, love, hurt, respect, security, power, worth, trust, and thousands of other words are all loaded and have different meanings to different people. When people talk about communication being one of the most important things about marriage they seem to downplay that the real complication is getting both spouses to the point where they agree what the meaning of the word, "is," is. I have seen plenty of relationships where at least one spouse was completely unaware that the other spouse essentially spoke another language, so merely encouraging communication may not always suffice.
So, if there is something that I wish I had known better when I got married it is that I needed to pay more attention for what Golden and I each meant when we were discussing something important. A lot of things that seem benign to one spouse are deeply tied to some inner need of the other, so what inner needs were being discussed that only one person at the table even understood was the basis of the conversation? Of course, this only illustrates how much I still have to learn.
I have one question for the married people out there. What is something you wish you realized before you got married that you know better now? Obviously, make it something that wouldn't embarrass you or your spouse.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
journey
I can't believe I was so naive when I was a teenager. How stupid I was in my early twenties. I can't believe the issues I had five years ago. It seems like as I look back in my life I always feel myself superior to my prior self and am a bit embarrassed of what a numskull I was then. To be sure, I have done, said, typed, and thought a lot of unintelligent things in my time. It seems crazy that my future self won't look back in five years and think the same thing of me now.
When I was a kid I never really appreciated the description of life as a journey. What I am today may resemble what I am tomorrow, but I am still slightly different on those two days, for better or for worse. Before, time was so short that I had not changed much. Now, I see my past (still short) life as a meandering path of discovery (and a fair amount of stupidity). People who knew me at one stage of that path might not really know me now.
When I hear anecdotes about famous or non-famous people or read what they wrote or said, I don't always appreciate the context of where that person is in their life. Actions they may perform or positions they may take when they are at one stage in their journey may not be what they would do or believe at a different stage in their journey. Luther in 1510 was a different person from Luther in 1530. Lincoln in 1850 was a different person from Lincoln in 1865. Einstein in 1920 was a different person from Einstein in 1950. However, in each of these situations if I hear a quote from one of these men I expect it to be from the later version of them that has gone through the life-changing experiences rather than the less-experienced versions of themselves.
The Christian take on this is that life's journey is part of what God uses for sanctification. We're given time on earth to allow Him to break us and begin His work in us so that what we are at the end of the journey is what He intended for us to be. Christianity is not the only belief system to take into account the fact that experience changes us (for example, the Buddhist belief in slowly improving toward Nirvana is similar), but it is the only one that puts the responsibility for the changes squarely in God's hands.
The current me is still on the journey to perfection and nowhere near there. That leaves me having to look forward to the work that will be done rather than take pride in already being at the end of the journey.
When I was a kid I never really appreciated the description of life as a journey. What I am today may resemble what I am tomorrow, but I am still slightly different on those two days, for better or for worse. Before, time was so short that I had not changed much. Now, I see my past (still short) life as a meandering path of discovery (and a fair amount of stupidity). People who knew me at one stage of that path might not really know me now.
When I hear anecdotes about famous or non-famous people or read what they wrote or said, I don't always appreciate the context of where that person is in their life. Actions they may perform or positions they may take when they are at one stage in their journey may not be what they would do or believe at a different stage in their journey. Luther in 1510 was a different person from Luther in 1530. Lincoln in 1850 was a different person from Lincoln in 1865. Einstein in 1920 was a different person from Einstein in 1950. However, in each of these situations if I hear a quote from one of these men I expect it to be from the later version of them that has gone through the life-changing experiences rather than the less-experienced versions of themselves.
The Christian take on this is that life's journey is part of what God uses for sanctification. We're given time on earth to allow Him to break us and begin His work in us so that what we are at the end of the journey is what He intended for us to be. Christianity is not the only belief system to take into account the fact that experience changes us (for example, the Buddhist belief in slowly improving toward Nirvana is similar), but it is the only one that puts the responsibility for the changes squarely in God's hands.
The current me is still on the journey to perfection and nowhere near there. That leaves me having to look forward to the work that will be done rather than take pride in already being at the end of the journey.
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