unmasking batman

Gotham Citizens Hope to Unmask Batman

GOTHAM CITY, July 22, 2008 (OTB) — Citizens of Gotham City have been worked into a frenzy in the last few days trying to decipher the precise identity of Batman, otherwise known as the Dark Knight. While the populace does not deny the good that Batman has done they also point to the death and destruction that has followed in his wake. "Things were bad before Batman," acknowledged local shop owner Benji Schazman, "but they were never as bad as they are now." Schazman's large delicatessen window has been shattered by the vehicles of villains fleeing Batman on no less than three occasions. "My insurance premiums are through the roof," complained Schazman. "It would be cheaper just to pay off the local crime boss."

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Just who Batman is has proven to be elusive. The entire city at one point believed Harvey Dent, Gotham's District Attorney, was the Caped Crusader. That proved to be a ruse to distract from Batman's true identity, though. It was a clever one at that. Many, including Schazman, are not convinced Dent is not Batman. "I've never seen the two in the same room," noted Schazman, though he later admitted to never seeing even one of them in any room.

*** Minor Spoilers End ***

A few people have already been eliminated as suspects of being Batman. It is not believed that Police Commissioner Gordon can possibly be Batman since he has a mustache, which is widely accepted to be difficult to fake. Most of the rest of the men in the city have been eliminated because they are not attractive enough. Christy Jordan, public relations representative for the GPD, had this to say. "We may not know who Batman is, but we certainly know who he isn't. I can't even imagine my grody uncle Charley trying to fit into Batman's outfit." This statement drew chills from the audience as they presumably all knew people who matched as Jordan's description of her uncle.

One attractive citizen, local billionaire Bruce Wayne, has also been eliminated by the police as a suspect. Stated Jordan, "Sure, Mr. Wayne is the right build and complexion to be Batman, is athletic enough, has a voice similar to Batman's, has never been seen in the same room as Batman, and is the only person in the city to be able to afford to build the military-grade machinery that Batman uses. If you've met Bruce, though, you'd know that he can't possibly be Batman." This explanation effectively silenced all questions that had arisen about Wayne's possible affiliation with Batman.

The current list of suspects is not without holes. Most people questioned by police have solid alibis concurrent with at least one confirmed Batman sighting. Almost no one whom the police have questioned can afford to by a Prius outright, let alone the car/tank hybrid with detachable motorcycle that the Dark Knight has been seen driving. "We suspect it must be a drifter having what he thinks are cheap thrills or maybe even a disillusioned postal worker," noted Jordan. "Whomever it is must have stolen the vehicle that he or she has been using." Police are poring through old reports to see if there have been any complaints about stolen experimental military vehicles in the last few years. So far, nothing has shown up.

"If there is one thing the emergence of Batman has proven it is this," scolded Jordan. "Lock your doors when leaving your small tank unattended—even if for a minute. You never know what drifter is going to walk by, take advantage of your carelessness, and start a wave of vigilantism against the city's organized criminals. It just isn't worth the risk."